it has been an emotional rollercoaster for this reason and several others this week. i'm not one to talk to intimately about my personal life on my blog, but i feel inclined to do so right now, so i will. this week has been an eye opening experience to a difficult reality: i am an extremely anxious and fearful person, in general, but in stressful/high anxiety heightening moments, it's way way worse. and i don't think it's healthy one bit. this bothers me because i'm a very health concious person- then i feel anxious about that, and the nasty cycle continues. my anxiety and my fear, i admit, have gotten the best of me this week. with blake being gone, i've managed to go to bed no later than 10:15 most days- but "going to bed" and "going to sleep" are entirely different. my anxiety and fear have caused me little sleep this week. i go to bed mentally exhausted, and i wake up mentally exhausted. ugh. not healthy. i've always been anxious even in regards to little things, but this week has spurned a new level of anxiety and fear not only because of the deadline i was racing to met, but because, my tallulah is sick- and as of right now, the doctors don't know what is wrong with her. i now have a small taste of what a parent dealing with a sick child is like- my respect level and sensitivity for this has increased ten fold over the last several days.
nevertheless, the Lord, praise His Name, is using this situation to make me a better person. And i don't mean this in a worldly sense- better in the sense of He's molding me, and shaping me spiritually. My stubborn, prideful, fearful, anxious, controlling, sinful nature has a way of keeping me from trusting in the Lord- I push and pull with Him- until, it's time that the Lord feels is best to really stretch me and get my attention. Think about all the moments in life that we do this- how might things go differently if we threw our hands up and let Him take the reigns from the get go? I am still trying to understand why this is such a difficult concept for my heart to grasp- my head gets it... my heart is a little slow.But difficult times manage to turn sweet when He meets me in the storm. Praise the Lord for relentless love! He's stretching my prayer life and my trust. He's opening my heart and my eyes to the reality of His power and majesty. Do I believe truly He is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord God our Healer? I say yes when life is easy, but what happens when the unknown gets hard, and turns personal (i.e. when it affects something I so deeply love and care about)? When something I love is affected, God turns right around and shows me a love I never can fathom. Who is the one person that can love so purely it casts out all fear? And those are the words spoken to me this week.
1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.
There is perseverance developing in this tainted heart of mine. I can only look to the heavens and cry out in thankfulness to my God, who is so patient with me. And in the midst of the storm, somehow, I find peace in the fact that God is God. He is our healer. He is our rock. And He is the only one who drives out fear. I praise Him for this.
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brother's whenever you face trials of man kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
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